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It's Okay to say No

I want to talk a little bit about boundaries.


First, what is your boundary? You could think of it like a fence, or perhaps like an orb of light. Your

boundary, however invisible, is the place where the world ends and your energetic sensations begin. It is

the field within which your energy resides and experiences the world, people, space around you. The

boundary receives information from other's boundaries and transfers it to your intuition - engaging you for

something good, and alarming you of something unsavory.


But it is more than defense, it is also information about what is happening INSIDE your boundary. Your

energy body informs you of how you are feeling, how you are showing up for yourself and for others. Are

you feeling sluggish or joyful? Energetic or depleted?


Ultimately, boundaries allow us to understand when something is right for us, and when it is not. Take for

consideration, dinner with friends. Perhaps you are so excited for it, but the day of the dinner something

just does not feel right about it. Now, if you are just being lazy and avoiding people, perhaps that's a place

for healing- and so move through it and get your booty out the door. Or if you volunteered to help with a

big event but just would rather watch tv.... no, get up and go - in this instance, being sick is your only out.

HA! But if you are tired, or overly emotional and something just tells you that pushing yourself to show up

and meet the others is not where you should be spending your energy and time... then honor your

boundaries by saying "no thank you". It's okay to say no.


How do we say this in a way that is mutually respectful? This is the point of today's post. Unfortunately as

young children we are often pushed to do things that conflict with our boundaries "give X a kiss goodbye!"

"you have to go play with X"... don't get me wrong, there are times this is necessary like soccer practice or

the like. But what I mean is that we are not taught how to say "no thank you" to when something

fundamentally feels wrong. More than that, we aren't always taught how to receive a "no thank you" from

others.


Here is how you might try it next time:


If you are the one saying No:

"Hi (persons name), I know I committed to this with you and I want you to know that I absolutely respect you and want to be there... but I am honoring myself in letting you know that I am exhausted and need to take care of me. Ultimately, I could push myself to go there but then I wouldn't be showing up the full version of me and I don't want to do that to me or to you. Can we reschedule?"


"Hey (persons name), I would love to see you at X but I am just out of sorts and need some time to

reconnect/recharge. Otherwise I would show up and just be staring at you... Thats no fun. I would love to

reschedule, or, perhaps I can make it up to you by doing a shorter virtual hang out from my couch?"


"I understand you would like my help with X (if this a request for an event or volunteering help) but I

recognize my own limits in my schedule and in my energy, and I do not have the bandwidth/reserves to

make this happen. I apologize but cannot agree to this. I do hope this works out for you and if I can help by

recommending others, please let me know."


These are just some examples. But do you see how you are being honest about your limits, and as such, not

over-apologizing for "upsetting them"? That is because it is not about them, saying NO is about you

showing up for yourself. It is about honoring your needs instead of operating out the needs or desires from

someone else.


If you are receiving the NO, please remember the following:

-It is not personal. The person has other stuff going on behind closed doors, or inside themselves. Just

listen, accept their response and move on. Ultimately, if they are saying NO because they are avoiding or

lazy, then do you really want their help/company anyway? Probably not, because then you will be wasting

your time motivating them or getting stressed out waiting for them to show up to the level you need them.... Just accept and move on.


-This is an opportunity for YOU to shift your perspective.... did you need alone time too? Do you want to go out by yourself with a book and recharge? Or stay at home and snuggle with a comfy blanket and eat frozen pizza?


-Are we asking too much of others? Are we expecting more of others that is unrealistic or unfair? Remember, expectations are often projected from us onto others and not unconsciously consented to by others... So be honest about your needs or intentions and see if they can meet you halfway... communication is key here.


- Forcing someone who is operating out of your needs/expectations (whether you are pushy or not) just

means slimy energy... You can feel it when someone is out of sorts, anxious, upset, or annoyed... It impacts

your energy whether you realize it or not. Reflect on a situation like that and recall how you felt afterwards....were you energized or lacking? Did you feel satisfied or a little 'meh'? If they can't or don't want to show up, don't ask them to because YOU want it - it won't bode well for your energy.


In the future, if you need to say No, then go for it. But do it honestly, thoroughly and honor yourself. If you have to change your plans because of someone else, be kind to them and reflect within if needed. There is always tomorrow... plans may shift, but love of ourselves and compassion for others is forever.

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